Imam, I think you are on the right track and willing to listen. Do you know why? Because you have honestly admitted to yourself that your anger is in the way. That is good Imam. It is good because you know what is the problem and because you are willing and ready to deal with it. Perfect! Remember, Imam, half of the solution is in accepting and realizing what is happening to you and what is causing it. In your case, “ANGER” is the problem. And this anger is causing problems. This anger is hurting your relationship with your girlfriend. Let’s first focus on it and see later on if we still need to understand what  is causing  and creating this anger in you.  By the same token, I am going to ask you to help me helping you. You can do that by putting aside (just for now) the ideas and opinions you have about “mumbo jumbo psychiatry”, “spiritual stuff” and “psychiatry bullshit”. I wish if you could just for now, forget all these ideas about counseling. Spiritual therapies and psychology. It will help. First of all, remember, I am not ”talking to you” as a counselor or a shrink. Who knows, maybe me too, I don’t believe in it!? I am just addressing the issue and trying to help you as a caring human being, an 83 year old woman who saw lots of things in her life. Very good Imam. You and me, know very well, that anger is destructive in any kind of relationships, business, artistic, intimate, political, in all sorts of relationships. My favorite thinker is Dr. Ladds who once said that most of us dislike certain kinds of people, maybe "prejudiced, redneck clods," maybe "rude, demanding, lazy people on welfare," maybe "critical, arrogant bosses or teachers." If we are lucky, we can avoid conflict situations. However, if all of us would learn to control our irritation, jealousy, resentment, violence, prejudice, anger, frustrations, hate, psychological putdowns, etc., wouldn't it be a much better world? Of course it would, but such goals seem so idealistic to many people, they think it is nonsense. People say "you can't change human nature." I think that instead of changing human nature, we should accept the idea that sometimes human nature is not pleasant, sweet and friendly.

 It happens to all of us. Sometime, the most caring and loving people get angry and because of their anger, they thoughts and deeds become irrational and possibly abusive and violent. Thanks God, you are not violent yet. You are optimistic and willing to control your anger. That is wonderful. Dr. Ladds explained to us that the angry pessimist, who believes there will always be hatred, anger and war, should note that the most primitive people on earth are gentle and loving. In the ancient Philippines and old Island of Aruba, the inhabitants had no word for war. How do they control their aggression? What is their system? asked Dr. Ladds. The entire tribe discourages mean, inconsiderate behavior and encourages cooperation from an early age. Everyone is expected to provide a good, loving model for the children. This non-aggressive culture was developed without modern education, without great scholars, psychologists (I know you dislike them), research and books, without powerful governments working for peace, and without any of the world's great religions. If that primitive tribe can learn to love and eliminate anger, why can't we? It may not be too difficult after all. The other bit of history I want to share with you is from Seneca, a Roman philosopher-educator, who served several Emperors until Nero executed him in 65 AD at age 61. He was an extraordinary person. Seneca wrote a book, De Ira (Of Anger), which has been summarized by Hans Toch (1983).

 In it Seneca proposed theories about aggression and self-help methods remarkably similar to the best we have today. It is humbling but it suggests that common anger problems may not be that hard to solve (we have been too busy waging war for the last 2000 years to work on reducing violence). Seneca said "hostile aggression" is to avenge an emotional injury. "Sadistic aggression," with practice, becomes habitual by frightening others and, in that way, reduces self-doubts (negative reinforcement).

He noted that anger is often an overkill because we attribute evil to the other person or because the other person has hit our psychological weak spot, lowering our self-esteem. Sounds just like current theories, right? What were his self-control techniques? (1) Avoid frustrating situations by noting where you got angry in the past. (2) Reduce your anger by taking time, focusing on other emotions (pleasure, shame, or fear), avoiding weapons of aggression, and attending to other matters. (3) Respond calmly to an aggressor with empathy or mild, unprovocative comments or with no response at all. (4) If angry, concentrate on the undesirable consequences of becoming aggressive. Tell yourself: "Why give them the satisfaction of knowing you are upset?" or "It isn't worth being mad over." (5) Reconsider the circumstances and try to understand the motives or viewpoint of the other person. (6) Train yourself to be empathic with others; be tolerant of human weakness; be forgiving (ask yourself if you haven't done something as bad); and follow the "great lesson of mankind: to do as we would be done by." Remarkable! Seneca was clear and detailed. He covered the behavioral, skills, unconscious and especially the cognitive-attitudinal aspects of self-help. He did no research; he merely observed life around him. Now, if we can add research to those ancient "clinical observations," we may be able to make more progress in the next 2000 years. By the way, Seneca also advocated child-rearing practices and humanistic education designed to build self-esteem, model non-aggressive responses, and reward constructive non-violent behavior. Sadly, an angry political leader killed him.